Setting : Waking up on a beach in Barcelona, Spain. 2018. Solo.
I had just walked almost 6 miles. My longest walk to date since my health started improving.
It was supposed to be under 4 miles, but I did a poor job of dowloading my directions before I left wifi at my Air bnb so I just simply migrated towards where I thought the beach was.
I made it eventually. & had a few pit stops along the way to check out some stores and have an incredible acai bowl.
I intended to hit Barceloneta Beach but ended up further north.
It was the beach, so while I was aware of people around, I didn't pay much attention to them over the water crashing into the shoreline.
I laid tummy side down on my towel, attched my bag to my arm (pickpocketing is crazy there) and closed my eyes for a bit. I didn't expect to fall asleep, but I did.
I woke, left side of my face plastered into the towel and opened my eyes.
What I saw was a naked man sitting in the sand with his knees up and his feet planted. He was cupping his balls with his right hand so they didn't touch the sand. He was about 10 feet away from me and about 75 years old. Simply out enjoying his day at the beach.
It literally took everything in me to turn my face to the other side and not hyperventilate laughing. What a guy. What. A. Guy!
When I turned to the other side I realized I was at the nude beach. Leave it to me.
Now, I will say, Europe is full of topless beaches everywhere and I have experienced that many times.
But this beach...everybody was fully naked. & old.
& I don't think i've ever felt so safe in my life.
I sat up, took it all in.
I'm not sure what kind of happy chemicals started coursing through my body, but I just couldn't move.
I felt frozen. Grateful. Thankful. Capable. Healthy.
I pulled out my journal and started writing.
Here is an insert :
I've made some major shifts in my life and the fact that i'm feeling good is forcing me to find myself. To find who I am, not who those hoped I would be or told me I should be.
Throughout it all, i've learned that there are so many things we concentrate our time and energy on that don't deserve it.
Now I try to be thankful for the fact that my legs can get me from point a to point b, rather than the way they jiggle in my shorts. I think about how my hip no longer causes me agony and how I can stand without vomitting. I'm thankful for my storng arms that allow me to carry the groceries in on my own and wrap them around the ones I love. I'm thankful my hands allow me to put my thoughts on paper. I'm thankful my eyes allow me to get lost in stories and see our beautiful world.
I didn't know it at the time, but that moment and those words in that journal entry would live with me forever.
I'm human, I have the occasional "I don't like this about my body, my personality, my life, etc." I'm not immune to it, but 99% of the time I can reframe that thought immediately and turn it around and i'm so grateful for that.
Last week, I posted a reel on Instagram sharing that I finally bought new bedsheets (a little bed making asmr).
As I made my way through the footage, there was a moment where I stood next to the bed and smiled to the camera thinking it might make a nice cover photo for the video.
The moment I saw it, I cried. Happy tears. Very happy tears.
Years ago I would have been so embarassed by a photo like this of me.
I would have thought to myself "my legs are so big, so chunky, so out of proportion with my upper half, so short, etc."
On this day, all I saw was strength.
The work i've put in.
The health i've built for myself.
The absolute powerhouse these legs make me.
The reminder that THESE LEGS have literally taken me every single place I have ever wanted to go.
Seriously? How cool is that.
These are some great fucking legs.
Strong legs.
Powerful legs.
My legs!
If you haven't already, I hope you can find little glimmers of loving yourself for who you are and what you can offer the world just the way you are.
You deserve that.
Hope you all are having a happy day!
As always, feel free to reach out whenever.
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xoxo
Kirsten âïž